I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
