So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
