Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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