and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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