All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
