Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
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As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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