I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
