I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
