he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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