like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
