Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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