i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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