She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
