Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
