guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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