She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
