I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
