please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
