I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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