u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
