I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
