i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.