this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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