so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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