I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
