Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You left your phone here
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