My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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