I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
