I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
