3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
