can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
