I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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