No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
