i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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