I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
