Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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