im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
