i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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