The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
