you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
