After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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