This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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