I'm gonna have a badass scar
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
