I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
