wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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