I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
