he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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