Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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