i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
