I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
