I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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