There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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