So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
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Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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