he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
