i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
