it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
