when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
