Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
